Warning: Full Frontal Lewdity

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

TMI Tuesday

 I had a wee bit of insomnia last night so I was slacking  a bit this morning.  Got out of the shower with three minutes to spare before I had to take Little Man to preschool.  Could not find underwear anywhere.  Uggg

Before I get to far into this story,  I must first tell you this
1. I am procrastinator
2. I do not like to shop for myself
3. I don't like to shop for anything I must try on because 95% of the time I have to drag a toddler into the dressing room.  (Cue husband shaking his head saying "I told you to leave him home, make time to shop for yourself. But see #4)
4. I hate to spend weekends and evenings shopping for myself when I could be doing fun family stuff or reading a book or taking a nap

Back to the point - I rush down to the basement, looking through the clean clothes in the dryer.  Seriously!?  Not one pair?

Sure I could put on a thong.  But we all know those things are meant to be worn for 10 minutes until they end up tangled in a heap with the sheets at the end of the bed, or left in the bed of truck.  Thongs are purely for show, not for every day.  I no longer wear clothing were VPL is a worry.

Sure I could put on something black and frilly.  The panties you are supposed to wear when you are feeling girly and carefree.  The panties you wear when you give the Hubs a wink cause you know you got it going on. But I am heading for Preschool drop off people - Frilly didn't even enter my mind

I needed underwear, underpants, functional, cotton.  And I needed them now. See points 1-4 above.  Obviously I've been putting off buying new underwear for awhile.  I trash it and don't replace it

Anyway I'm going to be late so I do what any sane woman would do stick a panty liner in my pants and go.

Why not just Freeball you ask?

Why are you calling it Freeball when you do not have testicles you ask?

Well 1.  I didn't think about it and 2. I'm not trying to get lucky by flashing you a little cooch under the table and 3.  I just love to say Free ball it makes my think of Tom Petty. and 4. See items 1-4 above. I'm running out of pants too and don't want to wash these freshly washed jeans  if I can wear them again tomorrow so must have some sanitary barrier

Off I go, boy to school, me to Target.  Did it occur to me to pick up a pack of Hanes while I was there - Hellz No.  Lack of sleep = lack of smarts

Then I did a few more errands.  Back to preschool for pick up and home.

In the bathroom peeing.  Hummmm?  Where is that panty liner I stuck in here a few hours ago?  Not down my pant legs, not stuck to my ass.  Missing.  Oh WTF!  Did it fall out?  Did I litter the floors of Target?  Out to the car.  Maybe it made it's way down my pants and fell on the floor by the gas peddle. Nope

Well this is a puzzle.  I am laughing  and also wondering if some perve at the gas station, saw it and picked it and took it home for his personal collection.  Then....what's that.  There is nothing in my pocket but what is that lump.  Eureka! I have found it.  Jammed up and twisted around the pocket lining in my jeans.  Sigh of relief.  Leesburg pervert will not be sleeping with my feminine hygiene protection next to him tonight.  Beside he didn't really want a pad, he wanted an ipad

“Oh, he’s very popular, Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads – they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.”

So unless you have been living under a rock or just don't give a shit you know that Matthew Broderick is starring in  a Ferris Bueller's Day Off themed commercial for Honda.  I heard about it  from my best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend who heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who told me about he commercial. In fact many of you have surly watched said commercial as it has spread faster then toddler snot on your newest dress. (or your only dress if you are me) 


I have yet to see the commercial. I really want to but I frakin' Love Ferris!  You can keep your Breakfast Clubs and your 16 Candles.  I'll take Ferris Bueller.  I am worried that the commercial will ruin part of my love. Sure Ferris was a schemer, a cheat, a young man just skating through life.  Who cares!  He was in High School and he was freaking adorable.   Girls love bad boys who will take them on an adventure. And in my world Ferris grew up and made something of himself.  Also Ferris was a total geek in the best sense of the world.  Only a brainic would come up with the sleeping machine and think to record himself out possible trouble. "Oh, I'm sorry. I can't come to the door right now. I'm afraid that in my weakened condition, I could take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject myself to further school absences. You can reach my parents at their places of business. Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well-being. Have a nice day! " 


 I doubt I could be Ferris.  I am no longer that  confident  in  myself and such debauchery makes me uncomfortable.  I don't want to be a Cameron,  neurotic and worried all the time. "Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond. "  But, alas, I am a Cameron.  Sure I would call Mr. Rooney and go along with Ferris' fun but in the back of my mind I would be slightly miserable until  I broke . "Who do you love? Who do you love? You love a car! "


It is hard enough to see Matthew Brodrick age. Maybe it's because now he is mostly a theater actor and likes to go for real  but frankly he looks a wee bit more haggard then some of his Hollywood peers.  I don't like a real pretty boy but sometime a girl wants to suspend her disbelief and pretend her HS crush doesn't  age or at least ages really  gracefully.   I imagine that George Clooney  probably gets up bright eyed, bushy tailed and smelling good.  He is in the kitchen making me coffee and waffles.  Matthew snores, wakes up scratches himself, hits the snooze alarm.  Yes just like a real husband.  Of course I'll bet that is the kind of dude Ferris turned into.  Sweet and cuddly Who needs breakfast in bed when you can laugh together for the rest of your life. Holy  Sweet Epiphany Batman!  I think I might have married a Ferris.  A slightly bad, wee bit nerdy boy who turned into a real good man.  Sweet!  (PS He will never admit, but it's true) 


I just don't want this commerical to be a sell out out.  I don't want one of my favorite all time, most quoted, watch a few minutes when ever I stumble upon it on TV,  movies to come down to an ad for an SUV.  A Freakin' SUV man.  But then again,  at least Ferris  finally has a car.  He wanted a car he got a computer.


Anyway like I said I have yet to watch this commercial.  Not sure if I should.  This is uh... This is ridiculous, ok I'll watch, I'll watch, I'll watch, What - I'LL WATCH.  Shit!


Here is it - 


I love it!  Feeling so much better about Matthew and Ferris. Matthew is still frakin' adorable.   I loved the moment at the Natural History museum take on Chicago art museum.  Loved, "control yourself woman".  Loved the parade.  No "Danke Schoen" but good.  Ferris' Danke Schoen will always be best.  Suck it Wayne Newton!  Pretty, Pretty Good Honda.  I will not have to boycott your product for the rest of my life.  And I will be able to continue to watch Matthew B without thinking he ruined something good just so he could have a Super Bowl commercial credit under his belt.  Ahhhh, sigh of relief.......


What you're still reading?  It's over! Go on get out of here. 

Friday, January 20, 2012

Music Notes

I went back and forth about calling this post music notes because it sounds a little pat and cutesy but who cares. And if you do - Suck It.

-Plato

First-  RIP 6 time grammy award  winner, feminist, recovering addict, blues icon, Etta James.  Her greatest hit "At Last" will be played at wedding for years to come
At Last - click here

Jay-Z has claimed that he will stop saying Bitch in his music.  He says the birth of his daughter Blue Ivy has made him think about what the connotations of the word represents.  Two thoughts - 1. Maybe you should have considered your daughter before you named her Blue Ivy.  2. At this point bitch is part of the culture it is used so much the stigma is all about gone.  And, while it's nice that Jay-Z has had this change of heart, why not before.  Your mother, or wife never made you think about curbing the bitch, bitch?  Too Little Too Late.
short too the point commentary comparing Jay- Z to the Republican Party

I just read that Steven Tyler and Carrie Underwood are going to be appearing on CMT's Crossroads on February 4.  If you are unfamiliar with Crossroads it is a pretty cool show.  A traditionally county and a traditionally rock artist come together and sing each other's songs and duet.  If their appearance on last years AMC awards is any clue I think this Crossroads will be a really enjoyable one.
Carrie and Steven

If you haven't been listen to the Ultra Cool Country Girl Group the Pistol Annies you don't know what you are missing.

My boys Love Weird Al.  The funny part is they often know the Weird Al song but do not know the song or artist Weird Al is parodying.  Recently I have been  having them listen to the originals.  Sometime they like it but other times not so much.  For example, they like the song "Jurassic Park"  Jurassic Park is a Parody of "MacArthur Park" by Jimmy Webb, sung by Richard Harris.  And when they heard that "someone left a cake out in the rain"  their little minds were blown.  MacArthur Park and all the sweet green icing is so weird it is hard to believe it is not a parody itself.

Speaking of "MacArthur Park"  The first song that RuPaul preformed too in drag was Donna Summer's version of MacArthur Park.
PS Did you know Ru ran for President in 2008 ;)


Update on the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame - The Beastie Boys will in fact be inducted to Hall of Fame this year.  If that don't make you want to do some "Super Disco Breakin'" I don't know what will, so "Check it Out"
The Boys

Poe Follow up




Thursday, January 19, 2012

366

This year I have embarked on three different year long projects.  These are usually called 365 projects but since this year is a leap year they are 366 projects.

The first is to take at least one picture per day and then turn the pictures into an 366 album.  So far I've been very good about taking pictures.  The challenge will be to put the photos in an album with captions about day to day life.  I hope to do this once per month to keep up with the album along with keeping my memories of the event fresh to journal.

I have found a few really neat ideas about monthly photos challenges.  While I do not plan on taking predetermined pictures every month.  I think I will try to do it one or two months out of the year.

My 3 year old has been great about helping me take pictures and has captured life from some really neat angles.

Another 366 project I have taken on is all about gratitude.  You have heard of gratitude journals well I have a gratitude pin board (see earlier post about my Pinterest addiction)  Every day I make a virtual pin of something I am grateful for.  Some days have been harder then others but I have not skipped a day.  On the hard days it is really worthwhile to think about what I am grateful for.

Pinterest 2012 gratitude

My last 366 project will be the most difficult.  I call it 366 days to stronger healthier me.  This is my year.  The year I lose weight and get fit.  The year I learn to like myself again.  The year I discover the me that has been under a fog for a while.

19 days down 347 days to go.

Artist of the Day - Edgar Allan Poe


Happy Birthday Edgar Allan Poe.  Honestly I won't claim that EAP is a favorite author but I do have an appreciation.  I find  the fascination with him fascinating.  The stranger leaving roses on his grave.  People trying to catch the stranger etc. etc.  Plus he grew up in Virginia so Mad Props.

Here are some random thoughts on the man - 

My favorite poem is Annabel Lee.  Mostly I think it I like it because it reminds me of my friend Robin.  Turns out my friend Kathleen loves this poem too.

Best EAP parody is from the Simpson's 

I had to write something about The Masque of the Red Death in College.  I don 't remember what I wrote but I am sure it was brilliant

If you want to buy a neat print of Poe check out this piece by this dude I know.  Poe

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Musical Tidbitery x 3

1. Random thought - Uncle Cracker what a waste!  He sucks more then Nickelback and he makes Train seem deep. Both hard to do.  "Smile" would make even a rainbow and unicorn pooping 14 year old girl choke on her Hello Kitty Sushi.   Someone please call the Cliche Police or at least call Kid Rock and ask him to make his Bitch Shut Up. 


2. About Me - Pandora is mistakenly under the opinion that I like Stevie Nicks.  It doesn't matter if I am listening to the Stones or Adele, Stevie is everywhere.  A little Stevie is fine but too much Stevie is too much Stevie.


3 Made Up Fact - I once spent $3000 to buy a cassingle of Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give you Up" signed by Rick himself as well as Rick's brother Mick* who I bought it from.  
*Turns out Rick doesn't have a brother Mick (frowny face, flushing sound, $3000 with wings flying away) 

Hello My Name is Emily and I am addicted to.....


Addiction-  n. - the condition of being abnormally dependent on some habit

So my new goal is to take the habits I am abnormally dependent on and turn them into something positive. 

1.  Food.  Ekkk.  This is a biggie.  Yes I am addicted to food.  Sugar and Carbs to be exact.  I have always wished I could be one of those people who stops eating in moments of emotional stress but alas I am not.  I am not young, my hormones are fucked and my great metabolism ran away after the birth of boy 2.  Still I love food and I love to try new foods.  Top Chef is one of my favorite shows and my DVD is full of the food network.   So what to do?  Currently I am cutting out all junk and bad carbs from my diet.  I am also taking a fuckton of vitamins and minerals.  And I am I reading a great book about using cognitive therapy techniques to change my eating behaviors.  How will I turn this addiction into a positive?  Well like I said I love food and for the most part I like to cook.   I say for the most part because sometimes cooking for 3 kids gets boring.  Chicken, Chicken blah blah blah.  But more and more I am introducing the boys to new foods and slowly I am taking crap out of their diets.  Eliminateing corn syrup, dyes and words that are hard to pronounce from the diet of kid who could live on poptats, toaster waffles and ritz bits is hard but, baby steps.  Another difficulty in cooking is the "Moooommmmy! factor"  hard to spend time in the kitchen lovingly preparing a meal when a two year old is constantly demanding your time.  But now he is three and can happily play trucks or playdoh while I chop and saute.  So,(yes I am getting to it) I am going to turn my food addiction into a positive by cooking new things.  At least twice a week I will cooking something I've never made before .  It must be healthy but it doesn't have to be simple.

2. Pintrest.  If you don't know what I am talking about check it out http://pinterest.com/.  Be sure to follow me.  Pintrest is virtual bulletin board where you can pin things that interest you into bards of different categories.  I like Pinterest because it is all about me.  What I like, things that make me laugh, craft projects to try etc.   However it is a big time waster.  You can get on and just keep pinning.  How will I make this addiction positive.  I will try more crafts and recipes I pin.  I will take all the fitness and health inspiration seriously. 

3. Wasting Time.  See Pinterest above :)  I am a procrastinator.  I put stuff off until the last minute.  I tell myself  I work well under pressure. I am a housewife who hate domestic chores.  I love doing stuff with my kids but dishes and laundry not so much.  I do it because it needs to be done and I feel as though it is my job but I do put it off.  I am also not the most organized chick in the world. and I am a bit of a pack rat.  So how will I turn this into a positive?  I will use my love of the interwebs and lists to find and make chore schedules, meal planning charts and other things to get me organized. 

Things that I am addicted to that I hope to stay addicted to - 

1. Music.  I can't clean my kitchen with out my music downloads or Pandora.
2.  Books.  A life without books really isn't worth living
3. Couch date.  My term for hanging out with my sweetie and having time for just us
4. Love of the outdoors (expect when it's less than 40 degrees) 
5. My interest in world events, politics and pop culture 
6.  Bein' Crafty
7. Making lists :)

Things I hope to become addicted to in 2012
1. Exercise
2.Organization
3. Positive thought
4. Loving Myself






Monday, January 16, 2012

Shit Storm

As my Great Grandfather  famously said "It could be raining shit for all I care"  And that kiddies pretty much sums up how I felt while in the deep dark throws of depression.   

Dear Penthouse, I never thought it would happen to me but......I spend a lot of time wondering if I could off the couch

I am a lucky  person in the sense that I have not experienced real tragedy nor have I suffered extreme grief.  I grew up an only child in a loving home.  My parents are still alive and still married (yes to each other)  I do not know what it is like to be homeless, heartless or hungry.  I love my husband and he loves me. When I say he is my best friend it is because it is the truth not because it seems like a cozy thing to say.  I have 3 happy healthy little boys and I think we are raising them to be happy healthy young men.  So why oh why do I have anything to be depressed about?

Who knows?  It did not wake up one day and say "golly I'm depressed". It was a gradual decent.  After my 3rd son was born I was oh so tired.  At first I blamed it on lack of sleep, then age.  My oldest and youngest are 7 years apart and 7 years can be alot in terms of energy.  Then I blamed it on lack of sleep again.  The truth was I was tiered all the time and it was really effecting my mood.  Then my mood became harder and harder to ignore . And as my baby was less of a baby and more of a toddler it was hard to blame the baby blues.  This was hard core depression.  Whether it was postpartum or not it's hard to say but knowing what I know now I think hormones were definitely to blame. (more on this later)  

It was rough just to get though my daily life not really interested in the day to day.  As long as my kids got feed and had clean clothes I felt like I had done my duty.  Meanwhile I was starting to lose all sense of my self, I didn't recognize me.  I still could not lose the last 20lbs of baby weight and I didn't know why.  I could exercise every day and eat salad or I could sit around and eat cake it didn't matter. I hated myself.  I hated my self for being fat.  I hated myself for not doing more for my family.  I hated myself for not caring anymore, for letting go of my dreams and passions.   I hated myself for feeling so angry, esp. when I took it out on those I loved.

This is when my acting skills came in handy.  I wasn't a thespian for nothing people.  I could pretend and carry on.  And sure not all days were shitty but I was still sooooo tired.  

Finally in the Fall of 2010 I had had enough.  My husband knew I wasn't great but I don' t think he knew how bad I felt inside.  He didn't know that I thought about getting into my minivan and just driving until I was far away.  Surely my children needed someone better than me.  I recently heard this great song by the Pistol Annies called Housewife's Prayer.  I love it because at one time,  man could relate. 

I went to my doctor.  I had blood tests and talk therapy was suggested.  My thyroid was fine (too bad I was hoping that would explain why I couldn't loose weight) I tried talk therapy because what I really wanted was antidepressants.  I thought they would be the big help I needed.  And were they? Yes and No.  The first med I tried made me tired.  I didn't know it was possible to be anymore tired then I was already but it was.  The next one, made my less sad but more angry.  There is always a little bit of bitch laying dormant in me but man oh man did she come out. I was even clenching my teeth when I slept.

Finally I tried Cymbalta and for a while it seemed like a miracle drug. Cymbals was supposed to be less likely to make me gain weight and would not fuck with my libido.  Through the whole ordeal a happy sex life was one of the few good things going for me so I didn't want mess that up.  I started to feel better.  In some ways Cymbalta was good.  I came out of my dark hole.  But I still didn't feel like me but it was much better.  I stayed with talk therapy for a while but didn't think it helped enough to pay for it. 

Fast forward almost a year.  I am still feeling okay.  But I am getting fatter and fatter.  At firstI blame the neuva ring.  But I took that out when the hubs had the ole' snip snip and my weight has not budged. Thyroid tested and retested.  Nothing!  I can't lose weight I keep gaining weight.  Low self esteem is a big part of my problem and depression.  I want to do something but barely have the energy.  Yes I am not as tired as I used to be but I still have a mid day slump and I can nap any chance I get.  I start to wonder if it is not my brain that is causing all this but something more something hormonal,

I keep good track of my periods.  They are very regular and I know when I am ovulating and I know when I have PMS.  Back to the doctor.  Sure enough I have gained 40lbs in the past year WTF!!! 40lbs and there is not another human growing in me.  Maybe it's the cymblata the doctor suggests.  FanFuckingTastic my happy pill is making me feel like shit cuz I am fat and out of shape and tired,  Time to get off this shit.

So slowly I am weaning myself off Cymbalta.  The weening sucks, sometimes it is worse then depression.  Dizziness, tired, moody.  Blah

There is a light at the end of my tunnel I am sure of it .  I'm getting the junk out of my brain and taking control of my hormones.  I'm taking more vitamins, eating better.  I am so determined to get back to a better version of me.  Last week was good, I lost 5lbs, had energy, felt a glimpse of the old me shining through.  As soon as I am fully off the antidepressants I am going to try a elimination diet that it supposed to balance the hormones.  Also I made a call to an endocrinologist.  

How do you make a Hormone?  Don't pay her.  Ba dum dum

So here I go.  Off to lose those 40lbs and the other 20 I needed to lose in the first place.  Find some balance in my life.  Not just my hormones but balance in my daily life.  A balance between work (mommyhood) and pleasure (all the things I haven't been doing in the past few years)  As someone who is addicted to food I know it will be a long haul but I know it will be worth it.  Plus my 20 year high school reunion is coming up.  What is it about reunions.  I haven't seen  most of these peoples in years and a lot of them didn't care about me and I didn't care about them so why do I care now?  That is for another post but ya know every little thing helps.  So if worrying about strangers looking at me helps, all the better.

I haven't blogged since October and it was sporadic before then but I hope I'll keep writing cuz it keeps me sane.  Plus why shouldn't I become a narcissist like every other person on-line.  maybe a little narcissism is just what I need.  And we all know I am fraking hilarious 

So stay tuned for a happy, healthier, hopefully more fit, skinnier me