Dear Penthouse, I never thought it would happen to me but......I spend a lot of time wondering if I could off the couch
I am a lucky person in the sense that I have not experienced real tragedy nor have I suffered extreme grief. I grew up an only child in a loving home. My parents are still alive and still married (yes to each other) I do not know what it is like to be homeless, heartless or hungry. I love my husband and he loves me. When I say he is my best friend it is because it is the truth not because it seems like a cozy thing to say. I have 3 happy healthy little boys and I think we are raising them to be happy healthy young men. So why oh why do I have anything to be depressed about?
Who knows? It did not wake up one day and say "golly I'm depressed". It was a gradual decent. After my 3rd son was born I was oh so tired. At first I blamed it on lack of sleep, then age. My oldest and youngest are 7 years apart and 7 years can be alot in terms of energy. Then I blamed it on lack of sleep again. The truth was I was tiered all the time and it was really effecting my mood. Then my mood became harder and harder to ignore . And as my baby was less of a baby and more of a toddler it was hard to blame the baby blues. This was hard core depression. Whether it was postpartum or not it's hard to say but knowing what I know now I think hormones were definitely to blame. (more on this later)
It was rough just to get though my daily life not really interested in the day to day. As long as my kids got feed and had clean clothes I felt like I had done my duty. Meanwhile I was starting to lose all sense of my self, I didn't recognize me. I still could not lose the last 20lbs of baby weight and I didn't know why. I could exercise every day and eat salad or I could sit around and eat cake it didn't matter. I hated myself. I hated my self for being fat. I hated myself for not doing more for my family. I hated myself for not caring anymore, for letting go of my dreams and passions. I hated myself for feeling so angry, esp. when I took it out on those I loved.
This is when my acting skills came in handy. I wasn't a thespian for nothing people. I could pretend and carry on. And sure not all days were shitty but I was still sooooo tired.
Finally in the Fall of 2010 I had had enough. My husband knew I wasn't great but I don' t think he knew how bad I felt inside. He didn't know that I thought about getting into my minivan and just driving until I was far away. Surely my children needed someone better than me. I recently heard this great song by the Pistol Annies called Housewife's Prayer. I love it because at one time, man could relate.
I went to my doctor. I had blood tests and talk therapy was suggested. My thyroid was fine (too bad I was hoping that would explain why I couldn't loose weight) I tried talk therapy because what I really wanted was antidepressants. I thought they would be the big help I needed. And were they? Yes and No. The first med I tried made me tired. I didn't know it was possible to be anymore tired then I was already but it was. The next one, made my less sad but more angry. There is always a little bit of bitch laying dormant in me but man oh man did she come out. I was even clenching my teeth when I slept.
Finally I tried Cymbalta and for a while it seemed like a miracle drug. Cymbals was supposed to be less likely to make me gain weight and would not fuck with my libido. Through the whole ordeal a happy sex life was one of the few good things going for me so I didn't want mess that up. I started to feel better. In some ways Cymbalta was good. I came out of my dark hole. But I still didn't feel like me but it was much better. I stayed with talk therapy for a while but didn't think it helped enough to pay for it.
Fast forward almost a year. I am still feeling okay. But I am getting fatter and fatter. At firstI blame the neuva ring. But I took that out when the hubs had the ole' snip snip and my weight has not budged. Thyroid tested and retested. Nothing! I can't lose weight I keep gaining weight. Low self esteem is a big part of my problem and depression. I want to do something but barely have the energy. Yes I am not as tired as I used to be but I still have a mid day slump and I can nap any chance I get. I start to wonder if it is not my brain that is causing all this but something more something hormonal,
I keep good track of my periods. They are very regular and I know when I am ovulating and I know when I have PMS. Back to the doctor. Sure enough I have gained 40lbs in the past year WTF!!! 40lbs and there is not another human growing in me. Maybe it's the cymblata the doctor suggests. FanFuckingTastic my happy pill is making me feel like shit cuz I am fat and out of shape and tired, Time to get off this shit.
So slowly I am weaning myself off Cymbalta. The weening sucks, sometimes it is worse then depression. Dizziness, tired, moody. Blah
There is a light at the end of my tunnel I am sure of it . I'm getting the junk out of my brain and taking control of my hormones. I'm taking more vitamins, eating better. I am so determined to get back to a better version of me. Last week was good, I lost 5lbs, had energy, felt a glimpse of the old me shining through. As soon as I am fully off the antidepressants I am going to try a elimination diet that it supposed to balance the hormones. Also I made a call to an endocrinologist.
How do you make a Hormone? Don't pay her. Ba dum dum
So here I go. Off to lose those 40lbs and the other 20 I needed to lose in the first place. Find some balance in my life. Not just my hormones but balance in my daily life. A balance between work (mommyhood) and pleasure (all the things I haven't been doing in the past few years) As someone who is addicted to food I know it will be a long haul but I know it will be worth it. Plus my 20 year high school reunion is coming up. What is it about reunions. I haven't seen most of these peoples in years and a lot of them didn't care about me and I didn't care about them so why do I care now? That is for another post but ya know every little thing helps. So if worrying about strangers looking at me helps, all the better.
I haven't blogged since October and it was sporadic before then but I hope I'll keep writing cuz it keeps me sane. Plus why shouldn't I become a narcissist like every other person on-line. maybe a little narcissism is just what I need. And we all know I am fraking hilarious
So stay tuned for a happy, healthier, hopefully more fit, skinnier me
