Warning: Full Frontal Lewdity

Monday, May 21, 2012

If I had a Million Dollars

People say that  one million dollars is not worth as much as it used to be.  And in this world of multi-Billionaires I can see how that might be true for some folks.

Me however, I can think of a lot I could do with a cool million.  Travel around the world is the first thing that comes to mind.  Buy a new, reasonably priced, home  Give some of it away to family and friends.  Set it aside for retirement to insure I don't live out my last years eating bananas and cat food. These ideas seem reasonable don't you agree?

I'll tell you what I wouldn't do with a million dollars.  I would not buy a parking space.  Even if I lived in Manhattan.  Even if I was a multi -Billionaire.  That is right folks A Parking Space.!  Wha Wha What????

Read all about it here.  Scratch your head in outraged puzzlement.  I'll wait

"It's for someone who wants complete privacy"  Good Gravy! People in the Suburbs have that.  It is called a garage.  They come attached to many of your finer homes. 

"You can drive in and not be seen again"  Do you hear that Big Crime Boss?  You have a safe place to leave the bodies.  Your backseat! 

If you can afford a million dollar parking spot hire a car, take a taxi, walk.   Get a jobless man to give you a piggy back ride.  At least you are giving someone a job. Don't let a greedy condo builder convince you  you need a overpriced parking space. 

The person who buys this million dollar parking space is a vain piece of work with his head up his ass.  You make me want to barf! This spot should be sold only with this stipulation.  If you are crazy enough to buy it you should also have to donate another million to charity.  It is the only way I can even stomach this whole idea. 

And we got nothing to be guilty of

Ahh who doesn't have a guilty pleasure or two or twelve.  I am starting a new feature all about my guilty pleasures.  I have plenty so look for another list next week.

It's Guilty Pleasure Monday Y'all!

Eating - Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.  Kraft sells 300 million boxes per year so I am not the only one who loves this stuff.  Powered Cheese Food Yum.  Like the Bare Naked Ladies even if I had a million dollars I would still eat Kraft Dinner.

Listening - "Easy Like Sunday Morning" by Lionel Richie.  I have tortured my family with this and I don"t care.  Recently Lionel Richie released a greatest hits gone country album called Tuskegee.  He does an Easy Duet with Willie Nelson.  Swoon! My girl friend likes to joke that I am just like Sunday morning - Easy.  But I'm not cheap.  Then again...Mac and Cheese don't cost much.

Watching - Beverly Hills 90210.  Old School style.  In all it's "Donna Martin Graduates", "I hate you both, don't every talk to me again" glory.  When I was preggo 90210 was on Soapnet at 5pm every evening.  I watched every freakin' episode.  Kelly is snob, Kelly is a cheater, Kelly is in a fire, Kelly is raped, Kelly is addicted to drugs Kelly is going to get married, Kelly gets shot, Kelly is sweet and grounded.  Every freakin' episode and I would do it again.

Reading - Personal Ads.  Personal Ads used to be much easier to find before the days of on-line dating.  If you wanted to find the freaks you would read the City Paper.  If you wanted the real freaks you looked to the Washingtonian magazine.  I worked in an office that got the Washingtonian delivered.  I loved the personal ads.  Mostly because if was full of married rich white guys looking for "discrete, no strings attached nooners with hot young things who would be wined and dined for their trouble"  Yes, just like legal prostitution.  Now days my favorite personal ads are on "missed connections"on craigslist. These really speak to the romantic in me. Will the "hot guy in the blue sweater on the orange line" call the "girl wearing a mini skirt with the dorky laugh"?  I hope so "they talked for a while and (she) really should have asked for your number"  Man, I want those two to find each other.

Etc. - Dancing in my kitchen.  I listen to Pandora on the computer in my kitchen and boogie my way through dishes and dinner prep.  Good Times.  But I am a stone cold white girl with very little rhythm so no pictures please.  On the other hand I do an awesome Mick Jagger impersonation.  (This would be the perfect place to put in the video for "Moves Like Jagger"  but I refuse to like that song on account of the only one who has moves like Jagger is Jagger. So here is a song I love from a movie I love)

One last note - The title of this post is from the Bee Gees (with Barbra Streisand)  song "Guilty".  RIP Robin Gibb.  I am not a big fan of Disco but I do love me some Bee Gees.  I even had your guitar when I was a kid.  My favorite Robin Gibb (other then Robin himself of course) is Justin Timberlake on the Barry Gibb Talk show.  A Pleasure for sure.  And not one I am the least bit guilty about. Click here to watch some Barry Gibb Talk Show

Sunday, May 20, 2012


For your reading pleasure a random list of Five Things that I just don't understand.

1. Ear Gauging aka Stretching the Ear lobes.  Unless it is an action that is deeply rooted in your culture I just do not understand why you would want to stick a hole in your ear lobe and stretch it out.  Most piercing I understand.  Tattoos, for the most part, I love.  But what the hell people??  Need an extra hole to carry some fun money or your cell phone? (seriously, see below) If you are a white frat boy who is trying to be hip, just stop.  And my biggest question is- what if you take the gauge out?  25 years from now will there be a bunch of middle aged people walking around with floppy ear lobes?  If you are considering becoming a plastic surgeon I suggest perfecting ear lobes.  I'll bet you will have a hell of a lot of business coming your way.

2. Caffeine Free Diet Soda - We have something that is diet and caffeine free people - It is called WATER.  Get your hands on some while it is still free and dripping from the tap.

3. Soap that smells like something other then soap.  I am so sick of fruit flavored soap.  I am the crazy lady standing in Target sniffing all the dish detergent.  I don't want my hands, counters and dishes to smell like rotten green apple jolly rancher or moldy cherries.  And while I am on this kick please tell me What the Fuck is "Sunshine Fresh"? I would love my laundry to smell like a big hot gaseous cloud.  Hummm, your shirt, that smell, did someone throw rotten eggs at you?   No that is Sunshine Fresh Bitches!

4. Tanning Beds - Be happy with the way nature made you.   Need that sun kissed look?  Get some bronzer. Or gasp, sit in the sun.  Shit's Free. Recently the Tanning Mom Patricia Krentcil has been making the TV talk show rounds.  She is the one who took her kid to the tanning salon.  Honestly I have no problem with her taking her kid with her.  The little girl didn't tan herself.  I take my kid to the ABC store but that doesn't mean I'm pouring whisky sour into his sippy cup.  So Ms. Krentcil if you want to look like an old piece of beef jerky fine, don't let the bastards get you down.  I however don't get the concept of tanning.

5. Train - The asstastic pop group Train.  I do not understand their appeal.  All those forced rhymes.  Egads.  Shut up, shut up, shut up.  Don't believe me, listen to this poo -


Do It Yourself With A Little Help From Mom

If you know me you know I am one crafty motherfucker.  Not an artist but artistic. So various artsy/craftsy school projects my kids have to do really appeal to me.

Want to send an electric current through a potato?  Ask Dad

Want to cut and paste and make things pretty? Ask Mom

Sure I can shock a potato too but why when the Hubs is around......

Anyway.....2nd grader Monkey in the Middle (MM) had to make a poster this weekend.  Each week a kid in his class gets to make a poster called "All About Me". It gets hung up in the class and the kid tells the class all about themselves.

Sounds pretty easy right? Sure whatever.  The hard part is - How much help do I offer the kid?  I want him to complete the project correctly. I want it to be legible, informative, and plain ole good.  But I don't want to do it myself, nor do I want it to look like as though I did.  I want it to be fun but also a teaching moment. This parenting shit ain't easy.

I have a not so fond memory of making a family tree  in 4th or 5th grade.  I wanted to do it one way, my mother wanted it to be done another way.  My idea was an actual colorful tree with hand drawn doodles of my ancestors  (I mentioned I'm not an artist right?) and sure a few names and dates. Eye roll, whatever. My mother  thought it should be more like a flow chart, no color or fun and neat as a pin.  Now to give her a little credit I do not remember the rubic of this project so maybe what she wanted me to do was also what the teacher wanted.  All I remember is using a ruler to make perfect rectangles and using my neatest writing.  Of course my writing was  horrible so I had to do much of it over again and I didn't understand why I needed the ruler when I could free hand a freakin' rectangle.  I mean it is not  a square with 4 equal sides.  So long story short, I was reduced to tears by the end of this project.  But I was so proud of how it turned out it is still up in my attic today.  And as a parent now I realize that my mother was teaching me how to do things the right way and all by myself.

All by myself was a lesson we both had to learn together a few years earlier.  I was in Second grade.  I needed to make a poster about school safety, or winter safety.  I cannot remember, I only remember making a little sign that said "No Snowball throwing"  Also, it was a contest.

My mother like me is very artistic but she is also an artist.  Coloring with her was always amazing.  She doesn't just color a dress red she colors it plaid.  Her Fashion Plates designs could put Dolce and Gabbana to shame.  I was a major wanna be and I still am.

So back to Second Grade.  I had a great idea for the poster and wanted to execute it with a little help from my mom.  However what happened was she pretty much took over.  We had a blast making the poster and when it was done it was amazing. There was a hand drawn school.  A cute girl in winter gear.  The was a plant in a window for gosh sakes.  (This just hit me, why was there a plant in winter? Maybe it was fake?)  But there was no way in hell I had made that thing myself.  Even so I took it to school and low and behold my poster won first place.  Of course it did, next to stick figures and coloring outside the lines this poster was like a God Damn Monet.  Was I happy to win? Not really.  Couldn't these teachers tell I didn't make that poster myself?  I mean my art teacher had seen my other work did she think I woke up one morning and got hit in the head with the Van Gogh stick?  It really wasn't fair to the kids who did all the work themselves.  Lesson learned by child and parent

So 20ish years later I'm cranking out my own little artists. Back to MM and his poster.  Thank goodness for the computer.  We used it to find family photographs of him doing all the things he likes, swimming, climbing trees, playing  guitar.  We found and printed pictures of his favorite food and book and movie etc. He was the idea man, I found examples and he picked the best ones.  And I typed up all the captions.  Yes- typed.  MM has dyslexia so his hand writing is not only atrocious it would be hell on us both for him to sit and write all those captions.   I made the executive dission to type them.  I also made the executive decision to type them myself because even though his typing skills are superior to his handwriting I still didn't have all day.  I have 3 kids and shit to do yo.  MM has plenty of years to type stuff for school.

Next comes the cutting up of said pictures and captions.  For the most part MM did all this himself.  Yes I had to remind him to slow down a little with the scissors .  His favorite food is a double cheeseburger and the picture looked like a shark took a bite when MM was done with the scissors  but fine.  I used my paper cutter to cut some of the captions.  I said it was to speed things up but really it was because the thought of every piece of paper glued to the page being uneven and wonky gives me shivers (see mom I get what you were doing with the ruler all those years ago) And, I will admit it,  I am very bad at cutting things free hand  as perfectly straight as I think they should be.  I rely on my paper cutter a lot.  (Dear Fiskars, I could do ads for you, call me)

Everything was printed, typed and cut out. All that was left to do is glue.  For the most part MM did all the gluing himself.  However I cannot seem to communicate to him the importance of putting glue on the edges of paper not just the middle.  I could have made him go back and add more glue but I was running out of patience and Little Man was on his 3rd cartoon so after MM leaves the room, I go over the edges myself.  Team Work.

As  a parent I have learned that age is important when gauging how much assistance to give a kid.  My Preschooler brings home art all the time.  He made an umbrella for the letter U.  I know the only thing he did was rub a little blue crayon on that thing.  The teacher did most of it.  He is three and could care less about crayons or umbrellas.  He wants to drive race cars and pee on trees.

My 5th grader must do all work himself.  Recently he had to make a one man band type instrument.  He asked me to buy him a bag of dried beans but that was it.  He made it all by himself.  Let me tell you, he did what he was supposed to do but man was that thing ugly.  Kid would it kill you to paint it or add some stickers or something?  The instrument was very creative but so  utilitarian and my mind needs shiny and pretty.

I am a coach for a creative thinking competition called Odyssey of the Mind.  The main rule of OM is adult hands off, kids must do everything themselves.  Boy oh Boy is it harder then you would think.  Sometimes the prefect idea or solution seems so obvious to me but the team of kids must figure it out themselves. Ugggg mind racking.  Frequently I have to walk away as not to speak up and break the outside assistance rule.  An adult my show the child how to do something but what the adult does cannot be a part of the competition.  For example you can show a kid how to sew a button but you cannot sew it onto their costume.  Or you can show a kid how to use a hand saw but you cannot saw a prop in their play. OM has taught me so much about my own kids.  They have amazing minds and ideas and given a chance and a little guidance they really can Do It Themselves.  Just hurry up though would ya, I got shit to do.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Maybe a couple shades of grey, definitely not fifty

Unless you've been in outer Mongolia living in a yurt, or you are a man, I am guessing you have heard about the 50 Shades of Grey books by E L James.

50 Shades of Grey started out as Twilight Fan Fiction and then some how, (I think E L James might have used magic) got published with the names changed and vampires removed.

If you know me you know I do not care for the Twilight series.  I have only read the first book but I could not stand Bella Swan and spent at least 400 pages begging her to grow a pair.

The real reason that 50 shades has become a hit is because it is being marketed as erotica and "mommy porn"  The basic plot line is  young naive soon to be college grad Anastasia meets a very wealthy business man Christian Grey.  Together they enter into a contractual relationship where Anastasia agrees to be Grey's submissive.

First the Bad. (And I mean Bad in the true sense, not bad in a erotic, you are a bad, bad, naughty girl kind of way)

I have read much better erotica.  Sexy time with Ana and Mr. Grey seemed good but then the bad writing ruined it for me a little bit.

The reader is supposed to believe that this girl is 22, still a virgin, has never masturbated but she is going to jump right into a little BDSM?   Grey agrees to help break her in with a little "vanilla sex" and then admits to never having "vanilla sex" himself,  as he was dominated by a sexy cougar all through his teen years.  So it was straight out flogging and boot licking for him.  Maybe having a 5 minute missionary style quickie could be a fun change of pace.

Ana (Anastasia is shortened to Ana.  I think it is cause James got sick of typing all those letters.  Next time name the chick Flo)  is so taken by Grey she agrees to try being his submissive and hilarity ensues  Okay not really, some hot sex and some uncomfortable sex ensues.

Shit that really bothered me about the this book -

Bad Writing

Repetition - How many freakin' time is she going to bite her lip, blush, flush and roll her eyes.

Ana cannot say pussy, vagina or even twat.  She calls it "down there" Really!? "Down there"  Not sexy.

Once again the woman thinks she can change the man just by loving him - Uggg

The book is set in America but the British writer brings Britishisms English into the book.  Rucksack.

The cliffhanger ending.  Now am I going to keep reading the rest of the trilogy?

The Good -

Mainstream Erotica is a good thing.  It is about time.  Yes parts of this books were totally ridiculous but anything that helps a woman feel more sexual I am all for.  If this book makes the average woman want to jump her husband a bit more frequently then Huzzah!

While the writing wasn't that great the story was pretty good.  I was interested in Ana and her life.

Who doesn't love the fantasy of love at first site  romance?

Who wouldn't want to be whisked away to dinner via helicopter?

Who doesn't want a strange sketchy dude buying her new panties and dresses? Well then again....

I think for the most part this showed a BDSM relationship in a pretty healthy light.  He told her what he wanted and expected.  There was even a legal contract (although my lawyer friend tells me the contract writing was crap) She was able to say no thanks and leave if she wished. For couples who participate in Dominate/Submissive roles trust is Big.  Safe consensual sex is good sex no matter how kinky it gets.

I think one of the big reasons women like this book is that in many ways being a submissive is break from their daily lives were they are in charge of so much.  Even if not in a typical BDSM way many woman likes a man who in in charge in the bedroom. A dominant man in the bedroom does not have to be a misogynist.

So 3 1/2 stars for 50 Shades part 1.  I might even read the next two books because I am curious about Ana. But I am in no rush.  Still, much better than Twilight.

Last thought of the night.  I really wish I had started a business selling neck ties about 6 months ago. Cause for sure grey ties are flying off the shelves right now.  I could be rich.

Sexy Fan Fiction I would read -

Harry Potter (post Hogwarts, I am not a total sicko)
Mad Men

Sexy Fan Fiction big No Thanks -

Lady Gaga in a meat dress with Lady Gaga as her male counterpart Joe
American Girl Dolls all Grown Up
Anything with Ann Coulter

Working Hard and Having Fun

A few days ago Disco Queen Donna Summer died. (for my thoughts on Donna scroll down)  While I am not huge fan of Disco I remember loving the song and video for "She Works Hard for the Money"  This video was on heavy rotation back in the early days of Mtv.  In fact, reports say that Donna Summer was the first African American woman to ger heavy rotation status.  I remembered the chorus of the song as well as part of the video.  The part of the video I remembered was the end.  All these women in various uniforms dance.  Donna was dressed like a bad ass cop and I totally dug that uniform as a youngster.  Flash forward almost 30 years, I am in my kitchen watching the video.  How freakin' depressing.  The woman who was working so hard was working more than one job, had two bratty kids, apparently no spouse or outside help, a horrible  haircut and had to dance in a vest.  Good Gravy.  This is not the bad ass liberation video I remembered.  Maybe it was too much like my own life, scrubbing floors and shoveling slop.  At the end the women who had be working so hard does dance with abandon but then she just wanders off all blissed out.  Where does she go?  Is she abandoning her children?  Or was she working hard just for that one moment of Joy?  And Donna Summer, what is up with the fairy godmother slash peeping tom thing going on with you  in that video?

The I starting thinking about another beloved video from 1983 - "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper.  The themes of the two songs are very similar.  "Oh when the working day is done. Oh girls just wanna have fun."  But for some reason I believe Cyndi more.

Both songs can be considered Feminist anthems does Donna ruin it with her too realistic video.  Yes there is dancing at the end but Cyndi danced all the way through.

Of course the songs come from women of two different ages at two different places in their lives. Donna Summer wrote her song after being inspired by a waitress who was, yes you guessed it, working hard for her money.  Cyndi was young and seemed to have very little responsibility.

I don't know where I am going with this train of thought anymore.  Maybe just this -

As hard as you work everyday don't forget to dance.  Have a little fun, cause that all we really want.

As promised for all you scrollers - my thoughts on Donna Summer
What a freak!   Donna Summer, sadly died from lung cancer.  Could that be because she was a cigarette smoker?  Oh No!  She claims it was toxic dust from after the attacks of 9-11.  Okay she did live very close to the twin towers so it might be plausible but she also says she predicted the terrorist attacks before they happened. "My husband and I were walking down the street. I had this feeling. I said, ‘Honey, I feel like terrorism, high on top of the buildings." So perhaps she was just a bit too invested in the idea.  
Donna also once said AIDS was a punishment against gay men from God. Now she did back peddle once she realized that she is a Disco star and 1/2 of her fan base is gay but Come On!  Anyway.... Disco is not really my bag but for the most part I like Donna Summer's music.  For me she falls into the camp of people I think of as Woody Allen celbs.  They do very good interesting work but they are freak shows, whack jobs or otherwise not great people in their personal lives.  RIP Donna Summer RIP Disco (I hope) 

Car Tunes or Fast Cars and Freedom.......okay, okay Moderately Fast Cars and Momentary Freedom

There is nothing like getting behind the wheel of a car with no real place to go.  I remember the summer after I got my driver's licence, driving down Idylwood Road in my parent's Mazda 626.  Windows down, Bob Marley singing "Three Little Birds", cigarette in hand (don't judge this was a short lived thankfully non-addictive bad habit) Nothing to do but drive.   That was Freedom.  Driving past friends houses, enjoying the blue skies, wasting gas. (those were the good ole days of $1 gas and I was young, not thinking about the earth I would be living for my grandchildren so suck it fossil fuel haters)  Take Marley out of the tape deck put in The Best of Hall and Oates. Hall and Oates, still today a guilty pleasure.  I stole the cassette from my boyfriend.  He never missed it and he even got it back after marriage.  Although I pretty sure he still doesn't miss it.  When ever I hear the line about a the tooth brush in the stand it is 1991 and I am on Barbour Road full of Blue Eyed Soul and wind in my hair. 

Vivid memory driving around in boyfriend's Plymouth Horizon driving down Georgetown Pike with my bare feet up on the dash.  "Going Mobile" by The Who

During my Senior year of High School my boyfriend lived several towns away.  Almost every Saturday night I would drive out Rt. 66 to go see him when he got off from work. This time I had a destination but the feeling was the same - Freedom.  Nothing to do but be young and in love.  My only responsibility was was to make it home by 1am. Albums on constant rotation that year - Peter Gabriel "Us", U2 "Achtung Baby" and Tori Amos"Little Earthquakes"

Fast forward a couple of years - I got my first car.  It was a little sporty Nissan with T tops.  The whole reason I liked that car was the T-tops. Now I had a job, rent and reposonbilities but driving away from my office blasting Ani Difranco- bliss!  Free for another day. 

I always wanted to drive.  As a toddler I had a steering wheel toy that I called my drivers licence.  When I played  M.A.S.H. as a tween my car choices were always sporty, sleek and fast. The first time I got behind the wheel at age 11 (a story for another time) Magical!

Interestingly ,since I have a November Birthday I was one of the last of my friends to get a licence.  And when I finally did I had to drive the family car.  When I moved away from home I didn't own a car.  I rode the bus to work, walked places and relied on friends.  So maybe that is why driving has always been a thrill for me. 

Also, I love a road trip.  Classic Road trip albums include - "Hello Nasty" by the Beastie Boys, "Midnight Vultures" by Beck and Brad Paisley's "5th Gear" (I may have forced that on the Husband) As more and more of my music becomes downloadable songs take the place of albums.  And as children have entered the picture their musical tastes have made appearances on our trips.  Thankfully we have trained them well and for the most part they do not enjoy crap. 

As a Stay at Home Mommy I get the same sense of freedom just driving to the grocery store, by myself on a Tuesday night.  I am the crazy lady at the stop light car dancing to Kelly Clarkson.  

While I write this, the thing that keeps coming to me about cars and driving is the freedom.  When I was in the depths of depression sometimes I would think to myself, just get in the car and go.  Just drive away. But like Janis and Kris said " Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose"  And now days I have so much to lose by running away.  Why not let the wind whip around on five heads instead of one.  Besides I would miss all the family road trips to come. 

Car Trip Sound Track -