What?

For your reading pleasure a random list of Five Things that I just don't understand.

1. Ear Gauging aka Stretching the Ear lobes.  Unless it is an action that is deeply rooted in your culture I just do not understand why you would want to stick a hole in your ear lobe and stretch it out.  Most piercing I understand.  Tattoos, for the most part, I love.  But what the hell people??  Need an extra hole to carry some fun money or your cell phone? (seriously, see below) If you are a white frat boy who is trying to be hip, just stop.  And my biggest question is- what if you take the gauge out?  25 years from now will there be a bunch of middle aged people walking around with floppy ear lobes?  If you are considering becoming a plastic surgeon I suggest perfecting ear lobes.  I'll bet you will have a hell of a lot of business coming your way.

2. Caffeine Free Diet Soda - We have something that is diet and caffeine free people - It is called WATER.  Get your hands on some while it is still free and dripping from the tap.

3. Soap that smells like something other then soap.  I am so sick of fruit flavored soap.  I am the crazy lady standing in Target sniffing all the dish detergent.  I don't want my hands, counters and dishes to smell like rotten green apple jolly rancher or moldy cherries.  And while I am on this kick please tell me What the Fuck is "Sunshine Fresh"? I would love my laundry to smell like a big hot gaseous cloud.  Hummm, your shirt, that smell, did someone throw rotten eggs at you?   No that is Sunshine Fresh Bitches!

4. Tanning Beds - Be happy with the way nature made you.   Need that sun kissed look?  Get some bronzer. Or gasp, sit in the sun.  Shit's Free. Recently the Tanning Mom Patricia Krentcil has been making the TV talk show rounds.  She is the one who took her kid to the tanning salon.  Honestly I have no problem with her taking her kid with her.  The little girl didn't tan herself.  I take my kid to the ABC store but that doesn't mean I'm pouring whisky sour into his sippy cup.  So Ms. Krentcil if you want to look like an old piece of beef jerky fine, don't let the bastards get you down.  I however don't get the concept of tanning.

5. Train - The asstastic pop group Train.  I do not understand their appeal.  All those forced rhymes.  Egads.  Shut up, shut up, shut up.  Don't believe me, listen to this poo -